(*Disclaimer: A strange madman with the same name as my own stole my keyboard and typed out this article. After he was done, I figured that it was already typed in, so I might as well publish it. Though I might take what he says with a whole cylinder of salt.)*
You’re a junior in high school. You’ve got, like, a whole year left before you graduate, right? Plenty of time to sort out what you’re doing. If nothing else, you’ve got the whole summer between junior and senior year to figure your stuff out. No worries! It’ll be fine!
WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
You must give up your entire being to your hunt for the PERFECT COLLEGE and you must do so IMMEDIATELY, or else THE ENTIRE FUTURE of not just YOU but of the WHOLE HUMAN RACE is in DANGER.
Why, you ask? I will tell you, and your life will never be the same.
#1: Time is against you
If you don’t start looking for colleges right this second, you will never have enough time to figure out the one perfect college that will shape you into a superhero of a person and put you on the path for the Presidency. You might think you have time, but even as you say such crazy things, your peers have already started to furiously pore over their copies of college guides, reading each and every page and memorizing the data therein. So you’d better get started.
#B: Standardized tests are infinitely important and also impossible
Standardized tests? No big deal, right? You’ll study some in advance, take advantage of some test prep resources, maybe get some tutoring, and you’ll be fine, right? If you believe this, then you are not at all aware of both how important standardized testing is to your college prospects, and how absurdly difficult standardized testing has become.
Imagine, for a moment, the worst and hardest test you have ever taken. Then imagine that test, stretched out for 3 hours. Then imagine that it’s even harder. Then imagine that your entire future is utterly dependent upon how well you do, so that if you don’t score perfectly, then you can kiss success goodbye.
Do you really want to leave that up to chance? Even a little bit? Or do you want to devote your every waking moment to studying (or at least, those not devoted to searching for a college) so that you can guarantee yourself that 100th percentile?
That’s what I thought.
#π: Finding the diamond needle in the rough haystack
There are SO MANY SCHOOLS out there. Huge numbers. How are you possibly going to find the right school for you? And if you can’t find the right school for you, how are you going to be anything but MISERABLE? If you’re not at the single perfect school meant for you to attend, your soul college, if you will, then you will be MISERABLE. And to find that soul college, you need to start hunting NOW.
You need to go to every possible college campus you can. You need to read everything about every college everywhere. You never know where and when you’ll find your one true college, so you should never, ever stop looking until you have found the college at which you will forever be perfectly happy. So you better get looking right away!
#FOUR: Admissions officers delight in ruining your day
Why would you take a job like being an admissions officer unless you delighted in rejecting as many students as possible? You wouldn’t! So you can count on those admissions officers looking for any possible excuse to completely reject and discount your application. Don’t have enough extracurricular activities? REJECTED. Have too many extracurricular activities? DOUBLE REJECTED. Don’t have the RIGHT extracurricular activities? SUPER REJECTED.
You need to start working now to tailor your application to PERFECTION so that those admissions officers can never find any possible flaw in your application. Don’t give them an opening to reject you! Make your application a titanium clad admissions-TANK!
#CINCO: Essays must combine the best of Hemingway, Shakespeare, and Plato
In your college essay, you must be thrilling! Erudite! Sophisticated! Concise! Moving! Thought-provoking! Tragic! Comic! Artistic! Logical! Exacting! Personable! Robust! Moose!
If you don’t think your college essay is worthy of ensconcing in the annals of literary history, then you should go back and revise it again. Since I imagine that will take you a while, you’re going to need to start working now, and continue, day and night, and maybe even sometimes rewinding time, to have enough time to craft a worthy essay.
#SICKS: Every other student out there wants to take your spot
As if it wasn’t bad enough that it’s next to impossible to get into college, thanks to the standardized tests and the admissions officers who enjoy rejecting applicants, but there’s also thousands upon thousands — HORDES — of other students who are just as interested in getting into college as you are.
Each and every one of them has a 4.0 GPA, and has been preparing college from the moment that they were capable of walking (probably following all the tips found in this article). And you think you have any time to spend on anything but trying to get into college? YOU’RE FOOLING YOURSELF. You need to get ahead of those cutthroat armies of college-spot devouring valedictorians.
#7: The Armada of the Xi’Leks Approaches
And as we all know, the only way to defeat Xi’Lek battleships is with college-trained graduates. THE EARTH NEEDS YOU. DON’T DAWDLE — START PREPARING FOR COLLEGE NOW.
*(Addendum: Okay, maybe I shouldn’t just publish things that crazy people write on my computer.)*